A recent situation that had taken place in my life left me with only one conclusion to draw:
I am self destructive.
I met someone who offered me a relationship with true potential. I cared a lot for this person and they made no attempts to conceal their own feelings for me. It was the first time in a long time that I had felt like someone in my life might actually be worth it. I purposely destroyed it.
A few weeks into it all, I told him I wasn’t ready to handle something serious, he understood. A couple of days later, I got in touch with him, and fixed the mess I had created. A week later, I called him telling him that I felt too stressed over it all, and once again he understood. A week passed, I got in touch with him, disaster averted once more. 4 days had gone by peacefully, and then I emailed him and told him that it was best if he never contacted me again. (Anyone like to take a guess what happened next?) I contacted him, explaining how I knew that I had been wrong, but really didn’t want things to end. This time there was nothing sweet and understanding in his tone. He gave me the ultimatum, “We are either ON or we are OFF!” I decided we were on. The following day, I called him on the phone. We talked for a bit. I got off the phone with him and started to think about how he was acting extremely indifferent to me. I immediately sent him an email telling him, how I thought he was being indifferent, and that it was for the best if we went our separate ways.
He had had enough, rightfully so.
He sent me an email explaining all the questions, I had never bothered to ask. I was too busy making assumptions on what I thought he was feeling and thinking, to even consider just asking a simple question. Truthfully, I was frighten of what he could have said. He was not being indifferent to me; he was trying to be cautious with his feeling. This man was tired of being hurt by me. The email ended with the statement, “I never want to hear from you again.” Unlike myself I knew that he meant it.
Here is the point where I have to stop and offer him my gratitude for walking away from me. It made me stop and examine my own actions. This situation made me realize that he wasn’t the first person I had treated in such a manor. There have been many other relationships and friendships that had ended in the same fashion. It was time for me to make the conscious choice to change, or the same results would continue to surface.
Here was someone I earnestly liked and could have had a possible future with, so why did do it all?
To be continued…