Tag Archives: mental health issues

Dearest Blog…

Dearest Blog,

I’m truly sorry that I have been ignoring you for the last week, but Procrastination and I decided that we would give our relationship another try. I keep trying to kick him to the curb, still somehow he always manages to sneak back into my life. I know it doesn’t make any sense, considering what a jerk he has always been to me. I don’t even like him and I hate his friends. Depression is always whining about his sad pathetic little life and Anxiety just needs to take freakin’ xanax and chill, already.

Anyway, so earlier in the week, Procrastination stopped by, on Monday. I had just got out of bed, hadn’t had coffee yet, I just wasn’t in the right state of mind to throw him out. He started to tell me how he really didn’t have anything to do, or anywhere to go, and I felt bad, so I decided to let him hang out for a few hours. The next thing I knew it was 9pm and he was still just relaxing away on my bed.

He spent the night, which was fine, but when I woke up the following day it became very evident, he had no plans of leaving. Irritation began to set in. I figured I would take a walk to the store and when I returned I would toss Procrastination out on his ass. To my surprise, when I came home I found him and Anxiety throwing a couple of beers back on my couch.

Now, Anxiety and I go way back and let’s just say I’m not a fan. Honestly, I don’t understand why Procrastination is even friends with this guy. Anxiety is extremely high strung, uptight, and twitchy. He is always acting all kinds of paranoid, “what if that goes wrong?” or “what if that happens?” Now don’t get me wrong, it is always good to examine all sides of something, but this dude is relentless and he never tries to look at anything in a positive light. “Things are bad! Everything is bad! They are going to get worse! Adrenaline, RUSH!”

At this point, both Procrastination and Anxiety where way too drunk to drive, and I’m a sucker, so they both stayed the night.

I woke up late on Wednesday, only to find Procrastination still drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. Anxiety took to following me around the house shouting obscenities into my ear, I eventually just said, “fuck it!” and went back to bed.

Thursday morning I woke bright and earlier, ready to take on a new day and its challenges. I sat up in bed and realized there were now three separate voices in the living room. It didn’t take me long to place that self pitying tone. Depression had finally made his appearance.

I swear, I try and be nice, have Procrastination over for a little while, and the next thing I know he has all his stupid buddies coming around, making my life a living hell. I finally managed to get them out of the house right before I started this letter to you.

I sincerely owe you an apology, Blog. In the last few weeks you have made me so happy and I was wrong to choose Procrastination over you. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me and allow me to keep writing entries to put in you. I do value our relationship, and I made a bad decision, but I firmly believe I can make this right!

PLEASE Forgive Me Blog.

Forever and Always,
April Lynn

P.S. I Still Love You Blog!!!!!!


“April, Will You Just Make A Freakin’ To Do List Aready”

Personally, I have heard it from so many people so many times, “April will you just make a freakin’ to-do list already,” and I tell those people the same thing I tell everyone who tries to tell me what to do, “I know, I should.”

Recently, I decided that it was finally time for me to take on the dreaded to- do list. Honestly, I struggle to get done even the simplest of tasks. My ADHD needs discipline and I have made the decision that the little bastard is finally going to get what it deserves.

I have spent the last month perfecting my to-do list. I have learned a few things about myself through this whole experiment, and yes I’m going to share them with you. First things first, I hate to-do lists, but they are a necessary especially for me. Even if you life is not in complete disarray, a to-do list can still help. Here are my own experiences.

A to-do list does not need to be 15 ½ pages long. Take 15 to 30 minutes and write down everything you want to get accomplished the following day. I was reading an article the other day that did a good job of getting on my nerves. It stated that you should not add little things that you have to do every day, such as brushing your teeth or making your bed. This article went on to say that by listing these insignificant tasks you are just giving yourself a false sense of accomplishment. I say, “Boo, to that man!”

You need to write down anything that you are liable to forget about. If you are suffering from ADHD, you often forget those little things. If you are constantly forgetting to brush your teeth or make your bed, you add them to your to-do list, and these things start getting done, well then yes by all means pat yourself on the back.

When I go to make my list for the following day, I write down every little thing that comes to my mind no matter how big or small a project maybe. If any project gets completed I take a few seconds to feel good about myself. This takes me into rewards. If you do a really great job at something take a few minutes and go have a cookie. Enjoy your victory, you deserve it. Smile, breath, and eat your damn cookie. (I’m eating a cookie, right now.)

Especially when starting out with your to-do list, do not add too much. Commonly people with ADHD over estimate how much they can get done in one day and the amount of time that each item will take. This practice will only lead to disappointment and discouragement. If you think a project will take you 30 minutes, allow yourself 45 minutes to get it completed and DO NOT schedule too much for yourself. I cannot stress this enough.

If you are suffering from depression, anxiety, ADHD, or any other form of mental illness any professional will advise you to exercise. Stop putting the exercise off and just add it to your list. I spend 15 minutes in the morning each day exercising. Added together it is almost 2 hours a week, not too shabby. For me, it really does help to level me out emotionally.

Once you have everything figured out for the next day, number everything according to importance. Complete task 1, move on to task 2, and so on.

What I really want to stress her is that you need to find a technique for a to-do list that works for you. What works for me, may have no effect on you. So experiment with different things. If you try one thing and it does not work, do not beat yourself up. Move on to a different technique. You will find something that will work for you, just don’t give up.

This Woman Will Self Destruct In 3…2…1 Part 2

I’m honestly not as evil, or as manipulative as my last entry might have made me sound. I feel that the way I am telling this story makes it sound like I knew exactly what I was doing the whole time, which is not the case. I have spent much time analyzing this situation, because I do not want this scenario repeated again in my life. The underlying problem is my impulsiveness.  Each time I broke it off or tried to fix it, I believe I was doing the right thing. Instead of giving myself time to think things through, I would immediately react upon my feelings, instead of rational thought.

What makes this behavior self destructive is that I really did like him, but I was extremely scared of how I felt. Truth be told, I have never had my heart broken, and I am scared to death of it happening. (Wow that was hard to admit.) I continued to push him away, and then pull him to me, because I knew at some point that he would have no choice, but to say, “Enough is enough.” Once he stated that, the blame for “us” not working would be taken off my hands. I could sleep better at night knowing that he was the one who decided that it needed to end, and that would grant me the license to hate myself a little more.

The ending to this story did not play out like I subconsciously planned it to. He called me out on it all, and I’m grateful to him for that. I have no choice, but to face this situation now. The little girl playing her little girl games, has been found out and now needs to own up.

Have I always been self destructive? Yes, but this realization only begun to sink in over the last few years. As these words flow from my fingers, to the keyboard, and appear on my computer screen, my gut tightens, my face flushes, these words are not easy for me to mutter.

I ruined an opportunity that could have created happiness in my life, all because of a little fear.

I have no one to blame, but myself.

This Woman Will Self Destruct in 3…2…1…

A recent situation that had taken place in my life left me with only one conclusion to draw:

I am self destructive.

I met someone who offered me a relationship with true potential. I cared a lot for this person and they made no attempts to conceal their own feelings for me. It was the first time in a long time that I had felt like someone in my life might actually be worth it. I purposely destroyed it.

A few weeks into it all, I told him I wasn’t ready to handle something serious, he understood. A couple of days later, I got in touch with him, and fixed the mess I had created. A week later, I called him telling him that I felt too stressed over it all, and once again he understood. A week passed, I got in touch with him, disaster averted once more. 4 days had gone by peacefully, and then I emailed him and told him that it was best if he never contacted me again. (Anyone like to take a guess what happened next?) I contacted him, explaining  how I knew that I had been wrong, but really didn’t want things to end. This time there was nothing sweet and understanding in his tone. He gave me the ultimatum, “We are either ON or we are OFF!” I decided we were on. The following day, I called him on the phone. We talked for a bit. I got off the phone with him and started to think about how he was acting extremely indifferent to me. I immediately sent him an email telling him, how I thought he was being indifferent, and that it was for the best if we went our separate ways.

He had had enough, rightfully so.

He sent me an email explaining all the questions, I had never bothered to ask. I was too busy making assumptions on what I thought he was feeling and thinking, to even consider just asking a simple question. Truthfully, I was frighten of what he could have said. He was not being indifferent to me; he was trying to be cautious with his feeling. This man was tired of being hurt by me. The email ended with the statement, “I never want to hear from you again.” Unlike myself I knew that he meant it.

Here is the point where I have to stop and offer him my gratitude for walking away from me. It made me stop and examine my own actions. This situation made me realize that he wasn’t the first person I had treated in such a manor. There have been many other relationships and friendships that had ended in the same fashion. It was time for me to make the conscious choice to change, or the same results would continue to surface.

Here was someone I earnestly liked and could have had a possible future with, so why did do it all?

To be continued…

Cerberus AKA ADHD

In all fairness, life offers up unique challenges to us all. For anyone to claim that they have not had to deal with some form of mental health issues, they are only lying to themselves. Life gives us all battles, victories, and losses. My own personal battle is ADHD and good lord, have I had to fight. I have had my fair share of victories and I’ve also been beat to a bloody pulp on numerous occasions. Maybe it is a “Blessing in disguise” or maybe my ADHD is like Cerberus the three headed monster from Greek mythology who guards the gates of hell, preventing lost souls from escaping. Hell is sometimes located inside my head and ADHD is what prevents me from escaping and getting things accomplished.

There comes a time in everyone’s life, when the decision to face your issues must be made. If these problems are not dealt with they will resurface and destroy. Dreams will be left behind. Relationships will capsize. Self destruction can and will find a person, no matter what type of emotional or mental barriers are erected. The time has come, for me to face my ADHD before life turns the corner leaving me standing bitter and alone. (How’s that for a little drama?)

ADHD is only one of the areas of mental illness that I have had to deal with, but the one that has had the most profound effect on my life. I have also been up against my fair share of anxiety and depression, which I believe is more or less directly related to my ADHD. Some days my mind feels as though it is being torn apart, and I can’t muster up ten minutes to sit down to work on a single project. The anxiety begins to build, depression sets in, and before I know it I am a lifeless mass, glued to my mattress. At one point I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and let’s just say if I could make a career out of self destruction, I would make the top ten list of the richest people in America. (I plan on touching down a little on my self destruction in my next blog entry.)

In all seriousness, none of it has been simple or easy. There were days when the only thing I wanted do was die. I thank god now that I was too chicken shit to actually follow through with killing myself. Honestly, if I hadn’t decided to change the path that I was traveling, I would not have been chicken shit forever.

So, as of today, I write this blog. There are so many things that I hope to achieve with “The Battle for Mental Freedom.” I’m writing this for my own sanity, but with that said, I am also writing this for anyone who has ever questioned their own sanity. There are many directions I would like to take this blog, but right now I’m just planning on rolling with it all.

I gladly would appreciate your comment or questions. If you have a story of your own to tell, please indulge me. Since I did touch down on the topic of ADHD, I would like to offer up a link to ADDitude. This site provides useful advice on a broad range of topics, with their main focus on ADHD. I have personally spent hours searching through ADDitude, finding much inspiration.