Tag Archives: self destruction

Unreasonable Creature

This blog entry will be started out by me stating that I am a selfish human being, but we all are. We have to put ourselves first in life, or we end up on the sidelines watching everyone else take first place. I do not find fault with myself, because I have ambitions and dreams. I will accomplish my goals and in the process I will have to walk away from certain situations and people. The real issue lies with how these situations are handled and how these people are treated. I have been unfair to a lot of people who have cared a great deal for me. My intentions have never been bad, but when looked at in black and white, I have caused some people a decent amount of pain.

I have a tendency to say, “This is how this is,” and then I just walk away. I don’t give people a chance to explain anything, nothing. I just cut them out of my life. I’m so self-absorbed at times, that I don’t even realize, that’s what I’m doing.

I have seen so many people in life become victims, and I have always been dead set against becoming a victim myself. I refuse to believe that I am a victim of circumstance, I will never give up the little control I do have over my life to circumstance. If a situation is bad, or unhealthy, and I have the ability to realize that, I am going to walk away from that situation.

On the other hand, it seems that this built in alarm system I have is a little over sensitive. There has been many cases, were I have completely overreacted to something, which was never even a problem. My mind starts freaking out, and I get terrified that I am going to end up stuck. The concept of being stuck makes me feel like I’m being suffocated. The answer always seems to be walk away before someone can change your mind.

I’m not exactly sure if this makes any kind of real sense, but I needed to say it.

Sorry, that I made it impossible for you to reason with me.

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This Woman Will Self Destruct In 3…2…1 Part 2

I’m honestly not as evil, or as manipulative as my last entry might have made me sound. I feel that the way I am telling this story makes it sound like I knew exactly what I was doing the whole time, which is not the case. I have spent much time analyzing this situation, because I do not want this scenario repeated again in my life. The underlying problem is my impulsiveness.  Each time I broke it off or tried to fix it, I believe I was doing the right thing. Instead of giving myself time to think things through, I would immediately react upon my feelings, instead of rational thought.

What makes this behavior self destructive is that I really did like him, but I was extremely scared of how I felt. Truth be told, I have never had my heart broken, and I am scared to death of it happening. (Wow that was hard to admit.) I continued to push him away, and then pull him to me, because I knew at some point that he would have no choice, but to say, “Enough is enough.” Once he stated that, the blame for “us” not working would be taken off my hands. I could sleep better at night knowing that he was the one who decided that it needed to end, and that would grant me the license to hate myself a little more.

The ending to this story did not play out like I subconsciously planned it to. He called me out on it all, and I’m grateful to him for that. I have no choice, but to face this situation now. The little girl playing her little girl games, has been found out and now needs to own up.

Have I always been self destructive? Yes, but this realization only begun to sink in over the last few years. As these words flow from my fingers, to the keyboard, and appear on my computer screen, my gut tightens, my face flushes, these words are not easy for me to mutter.

I ruined an opportunity that could have created happiness in my life, all because of a little fear.

I have no one to blame, but myself.


This Woman Will Self Destruct in 3…2…1…

A recent situation that had taken place in my life left me with only one conclusion to draw:

I am self destructive.

I met someone who offered me a relationship with true potential. I cared a lot for this person and they made no attempts to conceal their own feelings for me. It was the first time in a long time that I had felt like someone in my life might actually be worth it. I purposely destroyed it.

A few weeks into it all, I told him I wasn’t ready to handle something serious, he understood. A couple of days later, I got in touch with him, and fixed the mess I had created. A week later, I called him telling him that I felt too stressed over it all, and once again he understood. A week passed, I got in touch with him, disaster averted once more. 4 days had gone by peacefully, and then I emailed him and told him that it was best if he never contacted me again. (Anyone like to take a guess what happened next?) I contacted him, explaining  how I knew that I had been wrong, but really didn’t want things to end. This time there was nothing sweet and understanding in his tone. He gave me the ultimatum, “We are either ON or we are OFF!” I decided we were on. The following day, I called him on the phone. We talked for a bit. I got off the phone with him and started to think about how he was acting extremely indifferent to me. I immediately sent him an email telling him, how I thought he was being indifferent, and that it was for the best if we went our separate ways.

He had had enough, rightfully so.

He sent me an email explaining all the questions, I had never bothered to ask. I was too busy making assumptions on what I thought he was feeling and thinking, to even consider just asking a simple question. Truthfully, I was frighten of what he could have said. He was not being indifferent to me; he was trying to be cautious with his feeling. This man was tired of being hurt by me. The email ended with the statement, “I never want to hear from you again.” Unlike myself I knew that he meant it.

Here is the point where I have to stop and offer him my gratitude for walking away from me. It made me stop and examine my own actions. This situation made me realize that he wasn’t the first person I had treated in such a manor. There have been many other relationships and friendships that had ended in the same fashion. It was time for me to make the conscious choice to change, or the same results would continue to surface.

Here was someone I earnestly liked and could have had a possible future with, so why did do it all?

To be continued…


Cerberus AKA ADHD

In all fairness, life offers up unique challenges to us all. For anyone to claim that they have not had to deal with some form of mental health issues, they are only lying to themselves. Life gives us all battles, victories, and losses. My own personal battle is ADHD and good lord, have I had to fight. I have had my fair share of victories and I’ve also been beat to a bloody pulp on numerous occasions. Maybe it is a “Blessing in disguise” or maybe my ADHD is like Cerberus the three headed monster from Greek mythology who guards the gates of hell, preventing lost souls from escaping. Hell is sometimes located inside my head and ADHD is what prevents me from escaping and getting things accomplished.

There comes a time in everyone’s life, when the decision to face your issues must be made. If these problems are not dealt with they will resurface and destroy. Dreams will be left behind. Relationships will capsize. Self destruction can and will find a person, no matter what type of emotional or mental barriers are erected. The time has come, for me to face my ADHD before life turns the corner leaving me standing bitter and alone. (How’s that for a little drama?)

ADHD is only one of the areas of mental illness that I have had to deal with, but the one that has had the most profound effect on my life. I have also been up against my fair share of anxiety and depression, which I believe is more or less directly related to my ADHD. Some days my mind feels as though it is being torn apart, and I can’t muster up ten minutes to sit down to work on a single project. The anxiety begins to build, depression sets in, and before I know it I am a lifeless mass, glued to my mattress. At one point I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and let’s just say if I could make a career out of self destruction, I would make the top ten list of the richest people in America. (I plan on touching down a little on my self destruction in my next blog entry.)

In all seriousness, none of it has been simple or easy. There were days when the only thing I wanted do was die. I thank god now that I was too chicken shit to actually follow through with killing myself. Honestly, if I hadn’t decided to change the path that I was traveling, I would not have been chicken shit forever.

So, as of today, I write this blog. There are so many things that I hope to achieve with “The Battle for Mental Freedom.” I’m writing this for my own sanity, but with that said, I am also writing this for anyone who has ever questioned their own sanity. There are many directions I would like to take this blog, but right now I’m just planning on rolling with it all.

I gladly would appreciate your comment or questions. If you have a story of your own to tell, please indulge me. Since I did touch down on the topic of ADHD, I would like to offer up a link to ADDitude. This site provides useful advice on a broad range of topics, with their main focus on ADHD. I have personally spent hours searching through ADDitude, finding much inspiration.