I’m honestly not as evil, or as manipulative as my last entry might have made me sound. I feel that the way I am telling this story makes it sound like I knew exactly what I was doing the whole time, which is not the case. I have spent much time analyzing this situation, because I do not want this scenario repeated again in my life. The underlying problem is my impulsiveness. Each time I broke it off or tried to fix it, I believe I was doing the right thing. Instead of giving myself time to think things through, I would immediately react upon my feelings, instead of rational thought.
What makes this behavior self destructive is that I really did like him, but I was extremely scared of how I felt. Truth be told, I have never had my heart broken, and I am scared to death of it happening. (Wow that was hard to admit.) I continued to push him away, and then pull him to me, because I knew at some point that he would have no choice, but to say, “Enough is enough.” Once he stated that, the blame for “us” not working would be taken off my hands. I could sleep better at night knowing that he was the one who decided that it needed to end, and that would grant me the license to hate myself a little more.
The ending to this story did not play out like I subconsciously planned it to. He called me out on it all, and I’m grateful to him for that. I have no choice, but to face this situation now. The little girl playing her little girl games, has been found out and now needs to own up.
Have I always been self destructive? Yes, but this realization only begun to sink in over the last few years. As these words flow from my fingers, to the keyboard, and appear on my computer screen, my gut tightens, my face flushes, these words are not easy for me to mutter.
I ruined an opportunity that could have created happiness in my life, all because of a little fear.
I have no one to blame, but myself.